Being Kind to Myself

I read A LOT about self improvement, self esteem, self love, self care, and the like. This is mostly because a year and a half ago, I was not taking very good care of myself. It was pretty standard for me to spend an entire weekend (which for me could be as many as four days because the organization I worked for only offered services Tuesday through Thursday) migrating from bed to couch back to bed, getting up only to pee or when it became absolutely necessary to find something to feed myself. I was, in short, extremely depressed, and every year for many years, it got worse.

An exact likeness. (Photo credit: Copyright All rights reserved by Jennifer Kehl)

An exact likeness.
(Photo credit: Copyright All rights reserved by Jennifer Kehl)

Then, I changed one huge variable in my life, and I realized how much I was hurting myself by living that way. I began to read advice blogs with a central focus of being really, really kind to, and taking really good care of yourself. (Paging Doctor Nerdlove and Captain Awkward are my favorites.) And, their wisdom in tow, I began to come back to the world. It came in really small steps. I began writing again. I began spending time with friends and family. I spent time reading instead of watching full seasons of television shows. I started walking and hiking.

And eventually, I came here to Korea. I wanted to develop myself more than staying my small hometown would allow. Part of it was escape–the trappings of my old life were all around me back home–but mostly it was just that there was so much in the world, and I was experiencing only this minuscule piece of it. I had wanted to travel for years, and, finally, I had the opportunity.

Once in Korea, developing new habits was pretty easy–my entire life had been shaken up, so I could mold my new situation into whatever I wanted it to be. I started just DOING THINGS. Lots of things–learning guitar, writing, singing, dancing, spending weekend nights at bars with new friends. I felt like I had a pretty good hold on my depression as well. Sure, these things in addition to my 40 hour per week job and by 2 hour daily commute were taking a lot of time and wearing me out, but I was pretty good about sleeping and waking up and keeping at it.

Gradually, though, my schedule, the stress of being in a foreign country where EVERYTHING is just a little bit harder than it is where you came from, just a little bit harder than it should be, and the feeling that this place is not and will never be my home became very difficult to deal with. Finally, I had a moment of difficulty with my partner whom I live 5 hours away from, making things challenging at the best of times, and everything sort of broke. This break coincided with my vacation from teaching, and I can’t decide if that was a blessing or a curse. On the one hand, it gave me some time to deal with what was happening. On the other hand, it gave me the chance to fall into some really bad depression habits.

Hello old friend. ( Photo credit: Some rights reserved by kurafire: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kurafire/)

Hello old friend.
( Photo: Some rights reserved by kurafire: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kurafire/)

Now, I am climbing back out of that hole AND trying to fix some things I’ve been letting slide for weeks.

First three orders of business:

1) Exercise 15 minutes in the morning 3 times per week. (Which was quickly amended to a specific number of squats and lifts to my toes plus stretching, nearly all of which can be accomplished while I brush my teeth or shower.)

2) Eat breakfast 4 out of 5 weekdays.

3) Drink lemon water and consume a tsp of maca root powder every morning.

Why?

I’m working up to doing real exercise, which is something I’ve always needed to do more of. Even 10 minutes of cardio a day improves your mood and your overall health. I expect that when I get to where I’m doing actual cardiovascular exercise, I will have more energy throughout the day and sleep better at night (which is going on the list next).

Eating is good for you. Eating in the morning helps you throughout the day. ‘Nuff said. I’m pretty sure this is one of those things everyone knows and no one acts on.

The lemon water and maca powder are efforts to clear up my skin. I don’t wear much makeup, and I want to feel good about my face when I look in the mirror; sometimes that is hard with lots of giant zits. My “witch doctor” friend back home suggested both of these to me ages ago, but I never succeeded in making them habitual. It’s time to start. (Plus it’s really easy to combine with the breakfast thing.)

I have a list a mile long (okay a page front and back with tiny script) of things I would like to improve. But, I’m breaking them into small achievable steps. I want to feel that chemical reward, that dopamine rush to the brain, each time I meet one of my objectives. Like every time I beat a level in Super Mario as a kid and then thought “one more time!” and looked out the window to find it was dark outside and everyone had gone to bed.

I’m recording everything in a journal and reporting it via Facebook to my friend, The Stumpy Giraffe, back home who is also working on self improvement. Gradually, these things will become habits, and I won’t have to work so hard to maintain them. Then, I’ll add new things. I’ll have pages of front and back tiny script things that I am doing to take care of myself.

I will fail along the way, but when I do, I’ll just start over. Or adjust my objectives and try again. I’m going to be really kind to myself as I work to be really kind to myself.

I want to feel good. But mostly, I want to feel like feeling good isn’t so much work!

Someday, maybe it won’t be.

(Thinking, I too would like to form better habits/achieve goals? This article explains the approach I’m taking pretty effectively, and the blog it lives on has lots of good advice about forming positive habits: http://zenhabits.net/autopilot-achievement-how-to-turn-your-goals-into-habits/)